Pros, Cons and Commitments

The real impediments to change

We leave our homes with a map and all the sayings:

It’s the journey that matters.

Not all who wander are lost.

Destination is never a place but a new way of seeing things.

A good traveler has no fixed plans and is not intent on arriving.

While all true, traveling brings out the dreamer in all of us and when visiting a place for the first time, or even after many times, it’s easy to imagine yourself being a part of it, living as a local does, in harmony with the practices and the customs and even — or especially — the great cost and sweeping changes it adds to your life. That is the essence of travel, to re-imagine oneself in another place, both literally and figuratively.

What stops us then from making that dream a reality?

Job Security

The notable Russian-American psychologist, Abraham Maslow, who gave us Maslow’s hierarchy of needs, which was likely influenced by Native Americans (please read), writes that in any given moment we have two choices: step forward into growth or step back into safety. There is no middle ground in which time ceases so we can sort out the things we need to feel secure enough in our skills and talents to use them in different ways or different places. Life goes on and if we are to be the person we must be, we have to be willing to step forward.

What if that step is into something entirely unfamiliar?

“The traveler sees what he sees. The tourist sees what he has come to see.” — G.K. Chesterton

Belonging

We grow up understanding certain things about ourselves and about life, one of which is to what group do we belong. Family. Friends. Co-workers. Religion. Whatever. People have an inherent desire to be part of something greater than themselves. Human culture compels us with pressure to belong to something. Anything. Just don’t be the one standing alone at the bar. It’s universal. You can’t run from it.

Decades ago, I made a list of pros and cons about ending my first marriage. Number one under the cons column: being alone. It’s reality. You’re with a person for a while and then you’re not, which in math terms means you’re alone. Not necessarily better or worse. But alone. Just you. That’s huge. Even if there are circumstances that scream in your face get out, get away, don’t let the door hit you in the ass on the way out. Belonging to a person or an idea outside of yourself is that strong of a need.

Commitment

Here’s another Pros and Cons list for you. One we’ve all done, whether you wrote it down or not. One of our daughters is going through it now herself. Let’s call it a Pros and Cons of Who Am I. Often these come disguised as something else. Should I take this new job? What college should I go to? Should I buy a house or rent? But really what I think we are asking on a number of those occasions is what kind of person am I. Am I the type who gives up too easily? Do I enjoy being challenged? How will I thrive and become my best, most authentic self?

Speaking with my daughter about her situation has brought back all the angst, frustration and uncertainty of every important decision I’ve ever made. Why? Because we’re human. Because we make promises and commitments. We cut deals. We try our best to make the best of a difficult decision, which is, regardless of age, the bedrock of one’s true self. It’s because we care that it matters and because the universe moves through us and not past us that makes change so damn hard.

“The traveler sees what he sees. The tourist sees what he has come to see.”

It’s a quote that resonates now with me as Franca and I travel Sicily. We came with a list of places to visit, yes, for sure. But more than that we came with a purpose and that purpose was to see what we see, feel what we feel, and to get a sense of the person we could become in a new and very special place.

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